Candace: Out of the blue, our transfer came and went. Maybe it seemed to fly by so quickly because we weren’t necessarily in the medical “trenches” this time. She is. I would go to the pharmacy pick up and drop off our GS’s (Gestational Carrier) meds and then go back to focusing on the now. Maybe it was too much focusing on the now because the NOW that we have been waiting for what seems for months on end is NOW. Funny how you wish away time in these types of things isn’t it? But that time is here and well, I feel like it snuck up on me, which never happens. I am OCD- plan- everything- out- to- the- exact- detail kind of girl. No, no... hell hasn’t frozen over. We have also been busying ourselves with other fertility related events like fundraising, AKA (pimping yourself for money, and we all know ‘Pimpin’ ain’t easy”) so that has also been a huge distraction.
I am also finding out that even though we thought we had discussed EVERYTHING and every possible scenario in our minds, there were a few stones we apparently missed. For example, the ever present debate each cycle: to test or not to test early, ‘tis the question. I am a self-admitted POAS-a-holic. As in I really should go to meetings for support or something. For those who need an acronym explanation: it stands for “Pee On A Stick”, also known as a home pregnancy test. I get the shakes on 2dp5dt if I don’t POAS. Say what? For those non-IFers out there, I am sure that sounded like another language am I right? In laymen’s terms, 2 days after the transfer of embryos that have been grown for 5 days I typically start taking home pregnancy tests. So enter in my dilemma do I stress out my GS with my neurotic POAS problem? Will she think I am crazy? Ok scratch that, I know she thinks I am crazy but is this too much pressure for her? Oddly, this is a topic we had never broached with her.
Our hands have blistered 3rd degree burns on them. We have touched that hot stove so many times. Somehow we have found the resolve to reach for that oven one last time. This time we are not alone though, our GS is also invested in our baby journey. So much that she too is scared to test. She knows we have all of our eggs in this one basket, literally. She has seen our tears and she has witnessed firsthand our testimony and desire to be parents. Understandably, she does not want to bear the burden of being the messenger if the HPT is negative.
Chris: One of the really interesting things that I have experienced during this stint in the two week wait is that I have really experienced the dramatic swing in expectations this go ‘round. At one moment, I am sure this is going to work. I can feel it from some unexplainable place that this will be the time. Then, I blink my eyes and suddenly feel like this isn’t going to work, I have no idea why we decided to put ourselves through this again, I break out in a sweat with how exactly I am going to comfort Candace and cope with yet another loss myself. This has gone a little something like this: 11:05 AM, excited about the transfer and sure it worked; 11:06 AM, total cynic about any likelihood of this working and frustrated with myself for even trying; 11:07 AM, happy that we decided to do the surrogacy and hoping that it will be different this time. So, my emotional pendulum is on full tilt for this two week wait. Which is crazy considering that we are not inundated with reminders of the transfer that occurred this round. We are not taking shots and planning our lives around them this time. Candace can have any foods so I can have any foods this time. We will go to our fertility clinic for the blood draw to determine if the pregnancy took, but we are not biologically required to be there. Maybe it is this withdrawal from the front line that is making me focus more on the emotional side. I can tell you this though, fertility as a spectator sport is not necessarily easier than if you are on the field yourself. We are at halftime … just have to push through to the finish.