Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Somewhere in the Middle

Since we have been down the road of IVF so many times and have left a few footprints on the path of adoption, we have been intrigued by how our wanderings in the world of surrogacy have felt.  With IVF, we were so guarded about details.  We didn’t want anyone to know about when we started meds, exact transfer dates, what color socks we wore for the transfer … okay maybe not that much, but still, we were all cloak and dagger mystery people when we were in the middle of a cycle.  The exact opposite was true for adoption.  With adoption, our life and our progress through the adoption process was an open book.  Maybe since we felt that the very nature of our DNA was under scrutiny for the approval process, we were much more comfortable with discussing where we were in the process.  We even went so far as to show close family and friends the library of forms we had to fill out.  Also, since it wasn’t going to involve any changes to our biological state, it seemed like something that was more natural to tell people about early on.  Interesting right, we were either wide-opened or on total information lock down.
Here is where it has been so different for us, with surrogacy we are kind of groping in the dark for what we are comfortable with sharing when people ask questions.  The thing of it is, we kind of want to have our cake and eat it to.  We want to be able to share the great news with our family (the whole you’re going to be grandparents reveals) if it works and want to have as few people as possible to tell that it didn’t work if the outcome is less positive.  At the same time though, we have put ourselves out there, HARDCORE out there!  I mean, we had a documentary following our last IVF pursuit so those around us have grown accustomed to asking for updates.  Don’t misunderstand, we appreciate every question, every suggestion, and every comment that we are in their prayers.
With the surrogacy, it is kind of a process, like adoption, in that there are lawyers and forms and no needles going in Candace’s butt.  But like IVF, there are our embryos and with this transfer, our final attempt at having a biological child.  So, ready for the conundrum?  Do we tell all that ask about where we are? The details of our lawyer visit? The protocol for medications for our surrogate?  OR, do we keep all of the details to ourselves?  Use loose, vague responses to sidestep questions and rely on the general misinformation that people have about IVF processes to leave them in the dark? 
Ultimately, we think it will be somewhere in the middle.  Dates and intimate details we will keep under wraps until there is no reason not to tell people.  As for the blog, just stay tuned.  We will of course let everyone know how things are progressing as we take another turn on this Fertility Ferris Wheel.
P.S. No one thinks we are weird that we are unsure of how to talk to our close family and friends about these things that we blog about right?  A truly unsolvable paradox …  

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  1. My comment to the questions "We will share any important news as soon as we have some to share!" though I know I may be guilty of asking. I will try harder not to cause I know its all one giant awkward situation for y'all ;)

  2. Seriously rooting for you guys! I can't wait to follow this next aspect of your journey, no matter how much/less you share. You have so much support!

  3. Hoping you get your dream realized.

  4. Totally get it guys. When I was pregnant last year, I wished I could tell NO ONE. Seriously no one. We waited as long as physically possible to tell anyone; my boss, my husbands parents, etc. We told probably 7 people TOTAL when we got to the point we could no longer hide it...and then one week later, at 23 weeks, we lost our baby. I totally get the guarded feeling. Its one of the crosses you bear after dealing with IF. I remember one of my best friends saying "when are you going to tell your dad youre pregnant?" and me saying "never. its none of his business". And that was my DAD!!! LOL. I hope you guys know that even though for some weird reason telling your blog peeps probably feels different than telling close family and friends, were all here for you. Hoping with all our spare hope and sending you much love.