Wednesday, December 25, 2013

The Dusty Onesie


Have I ever mentioned to any of you about the dusty onesie I had stored away in the depths of my closet? Although this blog captures the “later years” of our conception trials there are about 5 years that we did not talk so openly about our struggle.  This was a circuitous time in our lives that was ripe with naivety, shame and the feeling of infertility confinement. 

Chris and I had just graduated from trying on our own to the gut check stage of realizing we need help, (not like a diagram of how to mattress tango but the kind only a RX and lots of needle sticks could solve) well, so we thought. I was about to have my first IUI, intra-uterine insemination, or in gruff laymen’s terms the ‘turkey baster method’. We thought for sure it would work the first time.  I even conjured up a very elaborate way that I was going to break the good news to Chris.  No sparklers, fireworks, unicorns, or Chinese Acrobats were involved but it was well planned out. 
 
I had bought an onesie. It said “My Daddy is a Chemist” or something like that on it. Every IUI, I would take out the onesie and get it ready for the big news and every IUI I would put the onesie back in my closet.  It was like the walk of shame but one that would replay in my Lifetime-like movie of the consistent failure and the feeling of not being a woman. I would walk to my closet, delicately fold up the onesie and think to myself, why can I not bear a child? Is this my scarlet letter I must wear on my chest for the wrong doings of my past? Will my husband still want to be with me after he comes to the realization that we are going down a rabbit hole with no ending?   

Repeatedly, this same act would happen 6 times over with my IUI failures and after my 2nd IVF failure I just put it away and gave in to the fact that if, just IF one day we would be blessed as parents we would find out together. No more element of surprise. So I abandoned the idea of a grandiose surprise reveal of introducing fatherhood to Chris, (sorry acrobats) and I we plodded down the disappointment road hand in hand and the onesie has since then stayed in my closet collecting dust. Just to give you a timeline here, I bought this onesie in 2009. 

I write this next sentence cautiously and in tears. Not tears of defeat but one of an unknown existence.  I walked over to my hidey hole in my closet, dusted off the onesie and finally had a reason to give it to Chris. We have so much more to share about this but for now, here is our announcement: {Hint: Click play then pause, allow for some buffer time and then hit play!}

 


Candace and Chris - Stop Motion Announcement from Lovell Productions on Vimeo.

Thank you so much Lovell Productions for your incredible talent, vision and artistry of this video and Erin Colleen Photography for your creative ability to capture our life behind the lens. Merry Christmas Everyone!
 
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54 comments:

  1. Tears on Christmas morning! Such amazing news. You guys deserve this SO SO much. Praying for a happy and healthy 9 months for all of you!

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    1. Thank you! So far the baby is healthy and has settled in the new hotel de' surro womb well.

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  2. Your video brought me to tears! Hoping for an uneventful remainder of pregnancy. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!

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    1. JO Thank you!!!! We are also hoping for a very boring, uneventful pregnancy as well! Not sure if the ol' ticker can take anymore drama. LOL

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  3. I have been rooting and praying for you from afar. Praying this one sticks and that your miracle finally comes home to your arms.

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    1. Thank you Danielle for the long distance prayers!

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  4. Best Christmas news ever! And best announcement ever!!!!

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    1. Mrs. Mann Thank you! We wanted to do something unique but also pay homage to our IF journey. Many of our friends, loved ones and especially our followers are still in the trenches of their baby journey. I did not want it to seem as though we were gloating but more of a defeat and that the path to parenthood is not always easy.

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  5. Omg!!!! I have been stalking patiently awaiting this news!!!! Merry Christmas! I am crying my eyes out.... not tears gently flowing.....I'm talking snot sniffling and sobbing induced convulsions of happiness for you both! (I even woke up the DH from a much needed.Xmas nap) a nap which come Christmas next year you will fully appreciate! ;) again. A billion congrats! I hope you know that you have inspired so many and given hope to even more. Congrats on the BFP! Your love for each other is truly beautiful! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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    1. Ashley-OK your comment made me snort really loud... hilarious. You can imagine the hot mess that has been my state for the past couple of months. Thank you for the BFP love. IF is so incredibly hard. Not sure if I inspire folks but I certainly hope to encourage them to keep swinging while on the way down of any fall. I do not know this from experience yet but I am pretty damn sure that when our miracle does arrive every tear, needle poke and dollar was worth it.

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  6. Wow. Congratulations. Im a blown away. My heart is so full right now C&C. I am pretty much speechless...but did send you a long a*s email, because Im NEVER truly speechless :)
    XOXO
    Lynn

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    1. Lynn.. Chris was expecting another "WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAACK!" comment. We heart you and the fact you have been reading along our journey since the beginning of our blog. You rock.

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  7. Oh my goodness I am so happy for you guys!! I can't believe that you have been able to keep the secret this long! Congrats!!

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    1. Thank you Non Sequitur! Yes, it was not easy. Especially for Chris, he has a blabber mouth. ZING! 1 Point Candace--- I kid I kid, kinda.

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  8. Congrats !!!! Worth the wait! God 's timing is perfect.

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    1. Thank you Julia. I knew we needed to trust in his timing. That the right baby and right time would all be for a reason. Really that is how this whole journey has been so far. Every step has been for a reason that at the time I had no idea why we must suffer but afterwards it was clear. IVF-SURGERY-FOUNDBEGINING STAGES OF CANCER-GOT CLOSER IN OUR MARRIAGE---- the list goes on. It was his timing.

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  9. I found your blog the day after the first time I saw your true life episode on mtv. I also know the heartache of infertility, and it is such a hard road to go down. My husband watched the show with me and we both sat and cried along with you, as we knew and know the pain behind every tear you cried on the show. However, I want to say a big, fat CONGRATULATIONS, you're going to be PARENTS Wooohooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. #1 Thank you for watching the show. I am sorry it is so relatable, no one should feel this type of pain or cry those tears. Life is difficult enough as it is. I am happy you started following our blog. We are excited about the New Year and hope for all of our IFers it will be theirs as well.

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  10. I'm SO FREAKING HAPPY for you guys!

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  11. Best announcement ever! I am in tears! Congrats and best wishes for the next 9 months!!!

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    1. L- Thank you!! We wanted to do something different and something that would be keep the integrity of our IF story. I figured a video was our best bet. Sarah from Lovell Productions is incredibly talented.

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  12. Congratulations!!!!! I've been following you guys for several months now I'm so happy for you!!

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    1. Thank you for following us! I hope you continue to follow us on this insane strollercoaster we are on.

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  13. Brought tears to my eyes. Congratulations!

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    1. Rebecca thank you for the Congrats. I still cry everyday. It just doesn't seem real.

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  14. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG...I had no idea where you guys were in the process so kudos on keeping us all on our toes. Tears in my eyes!!!! I am so bloody happy for you!!! Now I need to get off my arse and pick a damn egg donor...which is way more difficult than I can explain...It's a lot like this: http://www.womansday.com/life/8-hilarious-beauty-pageant-answers-114901
    You can't even begin...I digress...I'm just so ecstatic for you. Things seem to be going so well this year for people, I hope it continues to spread. Best wishes, good vibes, prayers, jujus continued to be sent your way...
    Stranger Love,
    MK

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    1. BAHHHHH HAHAHA That link was flipping hilarious. MK thank you, more so I will be sending a prayer up for a good egg donor. I can't imagine how hard it is. I mean how do you really pick out the criteria. My clinic picks out a few for you to choose from so you have less of a pool to choose from. I will be sending good juju back at you my friend. Keep us posted on your journey.

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    2. Ah, thanks...shameless plug hystericalquestforspawn.blogspot.com We'll keep you updated if we ever find an egg donor that does't answer the question "What is your understanding of the retrieval process?" with "They will go though my belly button" I mean why else would your belly button be there, no?

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  15. That means she's 13 weeks!!! You guys are past the miscarriage stage! A BABY FOR YOU!!!! Sobbing with happiness for you guys!

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    1. Alex that is right! She is past the 1st tri now. Each milestone I breath out a little easier but I am still so guarded, skittish even. Chris and our surro have been asking when are you going to tell people and I always would say I am not ready yet. Even now I can say I am not ready to tell people yet. Crazy right? I just feels like a dream I don't want to wake up from. I tell Chris no pinches!

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    2. Not crazy at all. One of my best girlfriend's struggled with infertility and once she was pregnant after three miscarriages, she said she couldn't relax until she had a baby in her arms. Baby 1 is now 8 and she has a six year old sister :)

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  16. Hi Chris and Candace!!! It is Denise (we shared a canoe once!) I am so very thrilled to hear your wonderful news after such a long journey. I am now 36 weeks preggo with my second son so we will have little ones only a few months apart. Hugs to you both and enjoy this exciting long awaited time of preparation for your new family member. Xoxo!

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    1. Denise!!! OMG we lost your email so I am glad you have left a comment here. Please email me so we can catch up! Congrats on being preggo. WOW you are almost ready to pop eh? How crazy is it that our babies will be only a few months apart.

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  17. Chris and Candace-

    I have been a silent stalker on your blog for a very long time. I feel like I've been on your journey with you the whole way. When I saw the video announcement, I started crying for you! I am very happy for you guys! You have waited for so long for this, and have truly earned it. Congratulations!

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    1. Allie- Silent stalk away!! It seems as though it has been a long wait, then I think of the ones who have been waiting for 10+ years or who have had failed adoptions. Thank you for following us and sticking with our journey.

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  18. I too have been a silent stalker of your blog for quite a while and have cried both sad and happy tears while reading about your journey. When I got an alert for your most recent post, I said a silent prayer that this would be it for you guys and am so happy to see that it is! Congratulations!!!!!

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    1. Thank you for being a silent stalker and for your silent prayers. We love our followers and hope there will be more happy tears and less of the sad tears in posts to come!

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  19. So amazing! You guys diserve this! I hope everything goes smoothly and you finally get to take home a baby! Will be praying for you all!

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    1. Thank you!!! Deserving, well I name many others who have been on the baby wait much longer than I. Certainly this is an answered prayer.

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  20. So exciting!!! I have been following as a secret lurker since I saw you on MTV. I am so happy for you!

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  21. Chris and Candace,

    I just saw a re-run of your episode on MTV and I was so moved that I googled to see if I could find an happy update. And I did! I am so happy for both of you! Congratulations - you're going to be great parents.

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  22. I just barely caught your episode on MTV and cried when the test came back negative and seeing the pain in your eyes! At the end when surrogacy was in the question I was so excited for you! I had to find out more, so I began my stalker search on google! I am so very very happy for you guys! You deserve it! You'll be the best of parents!
    I also wanted to share a story, My sister and her fiance have wanted a child for so long that my sister considered everything when the doctors told her she wouldn't be able to carry a child. When they finally gave up hope and stopped trying so hard so they could face reality, she stopped tracking her period and stopped worrying. One day I got a phone call and she was crying and laughing at the same time I asked what was wrong then it went silent for a moment and I heard "I'm pregnant. I'M PREGNANT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I'M PREGNANT!! I have waited so long I am the happiest woman alive!" It was probably one of the most exciting moments of my life as a sister, I was so happy for her. She is now 22 weeks pregnant and is having a girl. She is due May 10(: And I couldn't be more excited to meet my niece. Sorry this was so long and information you really didn't need to know, I just felt so overwhelmed with joy! Congratulations you guys(:

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  23. I saw your episode on MTV's True Life today and cried big fat ugly tears about how unfair it was that two totally awesome people who are absolutely in love with each other wouldn't be able to have a baby. I immediately googled to see if the surrogacy panned out for you guys and I'm again crying big fat tears, but tears of joy. I will be praying for you guys and thinking every day until that birth announcement and you have that sweet baby in your arms.

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  24. Since watching the first airing of your True Life episode, I have been following your blog. As a fellow infertile (for 10 years), I am absolutely, sincerely so excited for the two of you. Your story gives me hope that someday, we will also have success. Through two teary eyes, I wanted to wish you both a huge Congratulations!

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  25. I've been silently following you guys for a while now as my husband and I have struggled to get pregnant. I was crying happy tears for you while I watched your sweet video...and so happily surprised to see that our sweet babies are due within a few days of each other! Congratulations! Hope all is well!

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  26. Congratulations! Your story has inspired me every single day. You're strength is something I strive to have. It has been wonderful to follow your blog and I wish you true happiness on your next adventure.

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  27. I have been following you & Chris' journey since seeing you on true life. And I am so very excited for you guys!! The date is so close and before you know it you'll be holding your miracle baby! God bless y'all! Oh and I love the video: )

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  28. I am so over the moon excited for you guys! I've been following you since I saw (on True Life) that ya'll were living in Virginia beach, that's where we are currently stationed. You guys give my husband and I hope after two and a half years of unanswered questions and lots of negative tests! Thank you so much for being an inspiration and for giving a voice to those of us who don't have that chance!!! Stop over at my blog if you'd like, I'm trying to show others that they are not alone in this dark journey!! Thanks for sharing!! http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com

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  29. Haha realized I typed in your blog instead of my own, here it is http://amilitarywifeoffaith.blogspot.com

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