Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What a Night

Another evening, Jelly Bean-less, and Candace and I are biting our nails waiting for that call, waiting for that moment when our little one decides that she is ready to make our debut.  One thing is for sure though, after seven years, we are not waiting alone!  We had the most amazing experience involving something that would, to the outside non-IFer seem like nothing, maybe even an inconvenience.  We had friends over, more about them in a minute, and they had a little one.  A nine month old, named baby cuteness for the purposes of this post.  Well, we were excited to have this couple over as they have been a huge resource, huge cheerleaders, and huge guides for us as we have been going through all things surrogacy.  They too have had to face family building difficulties.  If you want to know more about who we are talking about, read about their amazing strength as they got to know, love, and ultimately were forced to say goodbye to Sophia.

Overcoming an insurmountable tragedy and coming out all the better on the other side would be an understatement for how amazing this couple is!  Suffice it to say, Candace and I have great admiration for them.  So, back to tonight.  We were excited to show them our-still empty-nursery (bear with me folks, I will explain that sentiment more in a bit).  As we were showing them the nursery it became clear that Baby Cuteness was more interested in exploring every nook and cranny than any of us were.  So, Candace and I broke out all the toys that we accumulate for Jelly Bean for Baby Cuteness to try out.  Unbeknownst to our guests, this was an amazing moment for Candace and I, as we sat there watching Baby Cuteness playing with all of these things, it became that much more real that we “could” have a baby soon and experience similar things with her. 

What do you mean “could” Chris, your baby is due very soon?

Although that seems like the logical response, Candace and I don’t necessarily feel that.  Don’t get me wrong, we are over the moon that we will hopefully soon be parents, but for us, it won’t be concrete until we hold her in our hands.  Until I change her first diaper, I don’t know if I will believe I am actually blessed enough to be deserving of this child.  Overcautious, absolutely!  Unanticipated, no way!  Candace and I, as is true for most of you, have thought we were close so many times before, only to have the rug ripped out from underneath us.  And each time, we fell.  We fell hard.  Sometimes that rug that was pulled out from underneath us didn’t reveal the floor.  No, much worse, it revealed a nearly bottomless pit that Candace and I tumbled into.  We weren’t clawing with our hands for something to grab onto.  We were pushing our hearts, out hoping that something would embrace it with a loving grasp, only to find our hopes and aspirations meant with an abysmal emptiness … sound familiar? 

Whew, dark place.  Come back Chris!  All that is to say that Candace and I are guarded.  We can’t take a fall so hard again.  It will splinter our soul irreversibly.  As we stood there, watching Baby Cuteness play with all of the toys readied for Jelly Bean, I felt assurance.  I felt joy and peace.  I felt “Yes, you are going to be a parent.”  We have a bit longer to go, we have more time to wait and fear and pray that nothing goes awry.  But in that moment, with Baby Cuteness marauding all over our nursery, we saw a glimpse of what could be our little Jelly Bean in there, checking out every surface, exploring every inch, nearly falling on every corner, and learning about what it means to exist.  It was a truly transcendental experience and certainly the capstone to my day. 

We can’t predict the future.  We can’t say for certain that some incredibly rare complication will take Jelly Bean from us FAR TOO soon.  We CAN enjoy each moment (advice from great friends).  We CAN pray that Jelly Bean will be healthy.  We CAN share all of our hopes and fears with each other and those we call close.  We CAN say goodbye to today and hello to tomorrow and all the hopes and aspirations that tomorrow brings.  Until we hold Jelly Bean, the fear of not having her will be ever present.  When we hold her, the love we have reserved for nearly a decade will explode … hope the hospital has sturdy furniture.

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  1. Your fears are so validated and so normal for first time parents (whatever the circumstance). Speaking as the person who was actually pregnant, I still couldn't believe its reality even as our son was growing in my body! We were all so novice, we were all so green, we were all so doubtful and you have been initiated into the club! Have peace of mind that you will be looking back on this time and rejoicing in the fact that you are a father (RIGHT NOW)...it will surprise you at how naturally things fall together (I know...people told us that too). Words cannot describe how instinctual things will be and how you will look back on this time and realize how easy it is to rejoice in your future and get excited about your opportunity to move forward as the incredible family that you are! =)

    On that note...CANT WAIT FOR JELLYBEAN'S ARRIVAL! Drew got really comfy and stayed in an extra week and I remember that anxiety for exactly what your birth story will be! I can't wait to read or hear about every moment! YAY YAY YAY! And...get ready because that nursery will be good and used before you know it. It cracks me up to think about how perfectly I wanted everything to look only to find out that it actually DOES become someone's room and not just a picture out of magazine. haha! BEST OF LUCK!!!!

  2. Not to minimize your fears but EARWORM:
    ;-) Sorry, I had to.

  3. Not to minimize your fears but Holy EARWORM, Batman!


    ;-) Sorry, couldn't resist.